4:49am- He had an excellent feeding. First time he has taken both sides since surgery. He got some tylenol and went back to sleep. I’m a very happy momma. His left eye is swollen shut, which is normal, but overall, he looks really good.
9:34am- I’m holding Grayson now. We had a good night. Dr came in this morning and took off his bandages. The incision looks really good. It looks like an “S” across the top of his head. The back of his head is very soft. They brought him a mobile and a bouncy seat to use while we are here. We just gave him a sponge bath and cleaned him up a bit. When he is awake, he coos and flirts with the nurses. They are totally smitten with him. His left eye is now black and bruised. His first black eye! We’re bored, but we are going home tomorrow at least. I’m gonna try and get in a few naps today since I know my other 2 monsters won’t let me sleep much once they get home.
3:14pm- Grayson loves watching NASCAR…go figure. We moved his crib to right in front of the TV so he could see it closer, and he is reaching out to try and grab the cars…like it’s 3D or something.It’s really a funny sight to see. His appetite is back in full force. He’s draining me every time. Yay me!
3:48pm- Grayson got a little fussy and he’s not due for tylenol yet. He’s fed, burped, changed….so we went for a walk up and down the hall. He looked at all the lights in the ceiling and all the artwork in the halls. His 4 favorites were the T-rex dinosaur, dog, cat, and flower basket paintings. He fell asleep on my shoulder on the way back to the room, so he’s content.
I've had a few people ask me how I have stayed so strong through this all.....Yeah right! I certainly don't feel like I have. I'm a mess. I can't think straight. I cry every time I look at him. As I nurse him, I just drip tears constantly all over him. I feel like I'm back to post partum again. I am soo not strong! I'm just good at putting up a front so people don't see my true emotions. I hate it when people see me cry. I'm almost man-like there. I feel like a baby if people see me cry, so the only person that I allow is Chris...unless you've happened to catch me in the heat of an emotional breakdown. I am very emotional, but I try not to be. I just keep thinking "Did I do something to cause this?" "Was it the chiropractor adjustments that I had while pregnant?" "Was is my spin classes, or my workout routine?" etc....I know it is sporadic, and we probably just drew the short straw, but I keep thinking it's my fault. I can tell you this, I AM DONE HAVING KIDS!!! I can't go through another c-section, and I definitely can't handle my kids going through anything like this. This is the hardest thing I have EVER had to deal with. No mother should ever see her children in pain like this.
I keep thinking of moms who have lost young children, or their children have life threatening illnesses like cancer, and such..... and my heart just breaks for them. I have always said "God will only give you what he knows you can handle" and even though I don't think I can handle this, He obviously knows something I don't. I am so thankful to Him for bringing my baby back safely, but on the other hand, I keep thinking why does he take some children so young? I know it's because he needed them for something very important up in Heaven, but still, my heart breaks for them! And how is it that these children are so strong? Grayson went from morphine on day 1 to Tylenol on day 2. Tylenol doesn't even work when I have a headache...how could it be working so well for him?
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